Thor: Property Developer

Hey there people, how's it going? Y'all large and in charge? Good stuff, that's what I like to hear. So, what to talk about today? Couple of ideas going on but then I was interrupted by reading this.

Yup, Newsarama has got the first 8 pages of Thor V3 #3 up in a preview kind of way and being incredibly naive I thought it might hold huge amounts of promise. Usually I won't criticise something without reading the entireity of the issue but it's breaking news and it caught my attention, so let's take a look at is shall we?

Page 1

Wow. Just...wow. I'm sure that an intellectual point is about to be made, but I still think there's something incredibly...off...with sending a Weather God to New Orleans. Just sayin'. Maybe they'll redeem themselves with page 2, maybe not. Let's find out together.

Page 2

Why were there no heroes there to help? Possibly because the writer's then displayed a little more sensitivity and decorum. It's making me uncomfortable to read this because Marvel's varied polemics over the past couple of years in regard to politics has been less than exellent.

Page 3

Hey! It's just like the ending to Civil War! When heroes fight, everybody loses! Especially the readers! Now, I'm not against two heroes battling each other in a classic team-up way - misunderstanding leading to a fight and then working together for the common good (after all Thor himself has had some mighty throwdowns with Hercules) or when a hero has been mind controlled or so vastly mischaracterised that they need a good beatdown (like I'm hoping happens in this issue) but it shouldn't be so serious and it shouldn't be a never ending war between 2 factions of heroes. I can get quality satire and political commentary in other places, and it's just not done well enough in recent comics for me to want to see more of it there.

Page 4

Holy crap! Iron Man's here within 4 pages! I guess it's about to be on. Possibly. Although I'm only guessing.

Page 5

Well, at least there's some consistency with Iron Man - he's a sleaze in every comic he appears in ATM! You've got to love that futurism, right there. All business. Well, he wants to get down to "business". Whatever it is, it can't be as slow and actionless as the last issue. Let's see some business!

Page 6

Oh. My. God.

They're at it again!


I was joking last time! No more real estate! Stop it! Dull! Incredibly dull!

Although that last panel has potential. "So? What do you say?" With a feed line like that, there's only one response that the Thunderer can give! It is on!

Page 7

How the hell can you not follow a setup like that with "I SAY THEE NAY!" Do they just hate Thor fans? You can't build something up like that and let it hang. That'd be like having the Joker laughing maniacally about how he's taken care of Batman whilst he stands under a massive window and having the approaching shape turn out to be the window cleaner. Whilst Batman's off deliberately not building memorials that he should because the writer is being commanded by his sinister besuited paymasters. Sorry, off topic there. At least the thunder's a-coming now, the next page is so going to be Iron Man's face meeting Mjolnir!

Page 8

Just fight already! Less posey, more hitty! Come on! Argh! 8 pages! We'd be halfway through an old Stan and Jack Mighty Thor! And by this point he'd probably already have fought Ulik, had an argument with Odin, performed surgery as Donald Blake and gone hunting with Sif and Balder! Bloody get on with it! Stop trying to build the mood so much! You can do better! You're not making a movie!

Right. That's it. 8 pages that don't fill me with hope. I know it's only a preview and maybe after that it gets awesome, but I have a horrible suspicion that the fight is going to be stopped when they end up endagering that civilian who was lecturing Thor earlier. Ugh.

Thing with the internet is everyone has very widely differing opinions and through the safety of anonominity that it provides it means that people get angry when you attack something. You get insults, swearing, displays homophobia, misogyny and xenophobia, you get phrases like "If you don't like it, why not write comics yourself?!"

OK. I accept the challenge.

8 pages? I can do better in 8 panels using the magic of MSPaint and Adobe Photoshop - Proud and entirely unwitting sponsors of This Sentence No Verb.

Disclaimer: This took me ages and the amount of effort put into doing it far exceeds the actual entertainment value and quality of the final product. Seriously, I spent hours on this.


















I had Walt Simonson do one of those panels. I'll let you work out which one.

Well, I may never win an Eisner for that work and I'm going to end up getting Thor #3 anyway, but that doesn't mean I have to enjoy it. It'll be an arduous exercise in character building. Always try and find a positive. But I guess I could be wrong, it could turn out to be awesome. Right? What do you think Thor?

Because nobody asked for it: Part 3

And here we are for part 3. Part 2 was written mostly drunk so I didn't get chance to explain that these aren't the top 30 awesome moments in film, y'see, this list is pretty much reliant on what I can find on YouTube, otherwise I can't demonstrate the awesomeness of the moment. With words, it's just...impossible. So,if there's a moment that doesn't appear on this list that you thought was a dead cert then chances are I can't find it up on the interweb. Either that or your taste sucks.

So, let's get to it and finish rocking your faces.

21. Jurassic Park - If you didn't see this at the cinema I truly pity you.



Goldblum. Dinosaurs. The reappearance of the real star of the film, the T-Rex. Liquid awesome.

22. Goldeneye - He's not my favourite Bond and this isn't the best Bond film, but the pure awesomeness of this entrance cannot be denied.



Yes, the Blues Brothers is an excellent chase, and so is Ronin and Bullitt but they don't involve a tank, do they? Come on, have a word.

23. The Italian Job - The real one of course! It was the whole car chasing thing that made me think of it but that scene is too long to be properly classed as a "moment" really, so here's the best and most often quoted line.



You love it. Explosions and Michael Caine make the world go round.

24. Airplane! - He's back!



Could Michael Jordan do that? No, he was in the terrifyingly poor Space Jam. Plus, he'd spend all his time chummying up to the kid in order to sell him some more sweatshop produced trainers. Kareem? He lays down the law and tells it like it is. Check the look of terror and the kid's face! 'Nuff said, True Believer.

25. Spider-Man 2 - Being awesme isn't all about scaring people and blowing things up though, sometimes it's about gosh darn heroism. This is the best bit from the whole trilogy and surprisingly the only comic book adaptation I've got up here. But c'mon, it's Spidey!



They obviously couldn't fit the Final Chapter 5 Pages into the film so they went with this instead which does an equally good job of characterising Peter's determination. No matter what I read or what I start obsessing over, at heart I'm still your friendy neighbourhood Spidey-Fan.

26. Office Space - Not had your fill of violence yet? Well how's about this merciless beatdown?



This is so awesome that it never fails to get Richard to drunkenly recreate it.

This scene is made all the better by the fact that we've wanted to that ourselves so much. Of course, I've also wanted to go crazy blowing up a jungle with a minigun, but what ya gonna do?

27. Terminator 2 - Robot! Minigun! Robot and Minigun! Prepared to be rocked!



DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA BOOM! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HAA! Ahem. *regains composure* Moving on...

28. My Cousin Vinny - OK, I had an easy pop at Tomei last time, and I shouldn't have. It was an easy swipe and comedy gets enough of a bad time at the Oscars as it is and I actually think she deserved the Oscar for her magnificent performance. So, in celebration of that, lets use a Pesci heavy scene from the film!



That would also be my reaction. To be fair, if I ended up in a hunting lodge in America surrounded by bears, wolves, deer, beavers, eagles and sasquatches I'd get tooled up straight away and spend the majority of my time shooting randomly into the distance. In this country the legalisation of firearm ownership to the same extent as in the States would be a bad idea. Over there, in a country where 15% of fatalities are caused by The Jersey Devil* they should be given weapons at birth.

29. Ghost Dog: Way Of The Samurai - Pointless Stan Lee ones aside, cameos in films tend to be good. A reward to the fans, a little nod or something. This is the king of all cameos though from Samurai themed gangster movie Ghost Dog.



It's the RZA! What the hell?! Brilliant! Bobby Digital should randomly turn up in all films, say something relatively deep then walk off.

30. The Wonderful Ice Cream Suit - Any clip from the Greatest Movie Ever Made will do.



Buy this film.

So there you go Producers. You want to make your films better? Easy, all you need is a project starring Arnie and Kareem Abdul Jabbar travelling through time in a tricked out Peugeot fighting Dinosaurs, Giant Monsters, Robots Ninjas and the Viet Cong using miniguns, shotguns, chainsaws and pens. A helicopter containing Nazis and Arabs should also be destroyed by the Peugeot after a hectic chase involving a tank. Have Brian Glover tell a joke to John Cusack, Michael Caine and Joe Pesci, throw in plenty of swearing and one or two song and dance numbers scored by John Williams and played by a the RZA's mariachi band and you're laughing. Also, a camel should be rendered unconscious. Groovy!

Are you telling me you wouldn't watch that film? Pshaw!

Of course, no awesome film can be complete without some awesome credits. Take it away Jackie...



*Statistics may be completely made up.

Because nobody asked for it: Part 2

Well, I said "tomorrow" and as it turned out, I lied. It wasn't intentionally misleading though, it's just that yesterday I had this whole thing with a thing, where I had to do the thing and...actually, I just couldn't be bothered. Sorry. Like all y'all care anyway.

Just to clear something up, this isn't in order and neither is it my top 30 film moments, these are just 30 moments in films that make you go "Hell yeah!". So, here for your complete lack of pleasure are another 10! Incidentally, there are probably spoilers ahead so for the first time I ever I unveil my Spoiler warning.




No-one will get that. Let's get to it then.

11. Grosse Pointe Blank - Let's start off with some absolutely horrific violence. Fighting is always good in films and comics. In real life, I am not so keen on the pointless violence but it's hard to deny the allure of watching people go mental with the kicking and stuff in fiction. It's very uncivilised of me yes, and not very progressive but part (well, most) of my brain is wired to go "Damn! That rocks!" And this my friends, rocks.



Holy shiznit. Y'all see that? John Cusack (who is a candiadate for celebrities I would be gay for) kills a guy with a pen after some terrifyingly vicious kickboxing. This fight is considered by many to be the best in film history, and it's hard to fault people who think that. Part of it has got to be the contrast which is used well in the film, light hearted comedy and romance paired up with people getting genuinely messed up. Other uses of pens in cinema history include Goldeneye and Casino.

12. Goodfellas - I tease you with Casino and your brain only goes one way. Go on, then here you go...



Wow! Swearing is big and clever! Not only is this scene funny but it's a masterclass in terror. Joe Pesci is on top form form as grade A psycho. The scene may have been parodied to death but it's still burned into the minds of the cinema loving public. This scene is part of the reason why Goodfellas should have won Best Picture. Yet another travesty in the history of the Academy Awards. *coughmarissatomeicough*

13. Game Of Death - Everyone has their own favourite martial artist. Much as I love the likes of Donnie Yuen, Jet Li and Jackie Chan (and despite my Grandma's inexplicable crush on Sammo) Bruce Lee is the martial artist. Come on, he's just plain nails. People may line up to fight him one by one and his legend probably oversells his talent but he's the one who brought kung-fu films to us all. It seemed like there was no-one who could possibly stop him. No matter how much someone was built up against him, he'd always prevail. We just couldn't take any villain seriously. Until...



Bruce Lee should not have won that fight. Ok, Kareem may get choked out but he still manages to slam Bruce through a bench whilst being strangled. And the noises he makles are 40% less silly than those coming from Bruce. When he throws that punch and sends Bruce flying is when you start rooting for the bad guy over the hero and that right there is where Kareem Abdul Jabbar became a God and replaced Doctor J as the greatest backetball player of all time. I'm not talking on the court, I'm just talking in terms of awesomeness. If I ever ran an evil organisation Kareem would be Henchman #1. Jean Paul Gaultier would be Henchman #2 but I'm not going to go into that right now.

14. Taxi 2 - And speaking of the French, here's one of their better films. Hell, I actually wanted a different bit from the first film to use as a clip here, but unfortunately I can't seem to find it up on YouTube so we'll just have to make do with the third greatest moment in French film history. If you are unfamiliar with the first film it concerns the world's fastest taxi driver helping the police against a gang of German thieves. Here is the opening to number 2.



Car chases are always a good thing to throw in a film, but there's something special about a rally car being overtaken by a taxi.

15. An American Werewolf In London - A great film throughout despite the fact that they take David to London rather than Leeds General. Anyway, thefilm is packed with awesome although my favourite bit is Brian Glover.



Perfect. Joke. Delivery. Probably the only time I'd ever feel happy praising a Yorkshireman being such a proud Lancastrian but you can't fault the way he tells it. Damn, that Glover has skillz to pay the billz. Or at least put a significant downpayment on them.

16. Se7en - A film that I swear should be known as SeSevenEn because of the stupid use of a number in the middle of the word. It doesn't even look like a V! Maybe at 90 degrees or if you're stoned but come on, for a worldwide release? What the hell?! Anyway, here's another great scene and awesome moment from Hollywood, the climactic and spectacularly acted ending to Se7en.



Ha ha ha! You all thought the joke one was coming at number 30! Psyche! Man, the ending to Se7en sucks.

Worst.

Acting.

Ever.

17. Aladdin - From the second best film ever (if you want to know number one, check out part 3) here's the best song from the film.



I defy you to not go away singing that.

"#He's got the monkeys! Let's see the monkeys!"

18. Apocalypse Now - We're on the big guns now, here's the most awe-inspiring moment in the 4th greatest film ever.



Sure, it's on about the atrocities comitted during the Vietnam war, but when you see this on the big screen you can't help but be blown away by the experience. It may be my 4th favourite film ever but it's number 1 in the cinema. And I don't even like German opera.

19. South Park The Movie: Bigger, Longer and Uncut - Proving that musicals don't have to be paint-by-the-numbers blandosity.



Being the sort of guy who mocks the whole "Won't somebody think of the children" type mentality, I love this piece of satire. It pretty much sums up what is wrong with the world today, "#We must blame them and cause a fuss, before somebody thinks of blaming US!" Fuck parents. Just because y'all had a kid, doesn't make you special. Try fucking parenting for a change. Video games, TV, movies or rap music don't make kids fuck up, it's a lack of parenting skillls. I've made many mistakes in my life so far and I'll no doubt make many nmre but the responsibility lies solely at my feet, don't try and pawn it off onto some scapegoat. Damn, stuff like that makes me angry. Sorry if I got all preachy there, but I'm drunk now and I find it harder to refrain from righteous anger.

20. Brotherhood Of The Wolf - And just in case you were wondering from earlier on, here is the greatest moment in French film history.



That is Mark Dacascos playing a Native American ninja who is assistant to a biologist hunting a werewolf that is actually a lion in semi robotic armour in pre-revolutionary France. This is why it bugs me when people knock the French. If you can find a character concept stronger than that one I will happily accept all erroneous accusations of cowardice. Hell, Captain America likes liked the French when he was alive and if it's good enough for Cap, it's good enough for the rest of the world. I miss you Steve! *sob* Err, anyway...

That's it for part 2. Make sure you head on back in the next couple of days for part 3 which will include, ooh, let me see... dinosaurs, robots and Kareem Abdul Jabbar!

Because nobody asked for it: Part 1

It's been a good summer. Not the weather of course, that's been absolutely dire. Also, haven't reelly done anything since Glastonbury (mainly because of the weather) but that doesn't alter the fact that I consider this summer a god one. Why? The films. Yes, it's been a pretty good summer of film fun, starting off with Pirates III then going through Fantastic Four 2, Die Hard 4.0, Transformers, err, one and TMNT .....4? Or possibly 1? Anyway, they've all done exactly what I wanted them to do, provide me with entertainment for a couple of hours at a time. Maybe the future really is bright for cinema. I don't think there's been a film this summer I haven't enjoyed.

Apart from The Simpsons.

I don't usually mind so much when I go to the cinema and end up seeing something I don't particularly like. I accept that. Them's the breaks. But when it's something that you've been looking forward to, something that has so much potential, something that should be the highlight of the summer and it falls flat...it makes you lose faith in the world of cinema.

Apart from one Green Lantern joke, all the best bits of the film were in the trailer. You'd have more fun watching the trailer 43 times in a row. There would be more laughs. It's not that the film is particularly bad as such, it's just that it really really didn't live up to expectations. And that's worse than watching something completely rubbish. That's your fan entitlement right there "I love that show, how dare you make something I don't enjoy as much!"

It has me worried though, if something with such a strong concept can go so wrong then what if it happens again? What if all films start worshipping at the altar of suck? We need to avoid that at all costs. If only Hollywood producers had some kind of guide they could refer to so their films don't end up disappointing cinema-goers and leaving us feeling a little let down. Some sort of list that they could refer to that details where other films have gone right. Who ccould have the sheer ego to compile a list to make all films awesome based solely on their personal taste? Who, I ask you, has the cojones?

(pause for beat)

JYD Presents: 30 Awesome Things In Films!

1. Die Hard 4.0 - Cars are cool. Helicopters are cool. Ramps are cool. Explosions are cool. Bruce Willis is very cool. Put them all together and what happens? This happens:



That's how we do it boys and girls. The only way to top that vehicular collision is if it was a hovercracft crashing into a space shuttle.

2. Conan the Barbarian - Animal cruelty seems to be a recurring theme here on This Sentence No Verb which does make me look slightly like a bit of a barbarian myself but damn, this bit just rocks my face every time.



He may be too big to be a thief, but Arnie knows the best way to deal with cheeky beasts of burden - a swift tap on the jaw. I think that's actually how he won the Gubernatorial recall election too. Him and Gray Davis were given 30 minutes to render as many pack animals unconscious as possible. True to form Arnie KOd 6 oxen, 10 horses and 15 llamas whilst Davis spent the entire 30 minutes ineffectually thumping a pony. Not true or funny, but I really like the word "Gubernatorial." It does bug me that Arnie is referred to as "The Governator" though, when "Conan the Legislator" is a much cooler name.

3. Singing in the Rain - It's not all about violence though, there are some film moments equally dripping with awesomicitude. Singing, dancing and clowning.



The best part of the best musical ever made. I could watch this over and over again. In fact, I think I will. Feel free to watch it again.

4. Godzilla: Final Wars - Being such a fan of post-modernism, I love a little bit of intertextuality. Link that up with entitlement issues and mocking the work of Roland Emmerich and you get this piece of cinematic glory:



Watching giant monsters fight and destroy landmarks is a great way to increase the radical factor of your film - even more so with a thumping metal soundtrack. Can you imagine how much more impressive Sideways would have been if the wine tasting was interrupted by Mothra wailing on Jet Jaguar? It'd break up all the clever dialogue driven moments with shit getting wrecked. Ideas like this are why I should be a Hollywood producer.

5. Raiders Of The Lost Ark - Which bit do I mean? The awesome truck chase? The bit with the boulder? The propellor death? Opening the Ark? Damn, this film is loaded with awesome. So, any of those scenes the one I'm on about? No, I'm talking about this:



Bad.

Ass.

Proving that you don't need a twenty minute fight scene using all kinds of wirework, special effects and depressingly "cool" characters (I'm looking at you Wachowskis) to be truly awesome. If he's having a bad day Indiana Jones Will Kill You. No fuss, no mess - just death.

6. Back To The Future - More from the 80s. You want your film to be awesome? Throw in some rockin' electric guitar and you've got it!



OK, the "Hey Chuck, it's your Marvin. Your cousin Marvin BERRY!" could not be construed for awesome, but the walkthrough of guitar styles of the ages is one of the iconic moments in films. Yes, it's postmodernism again, but you can't deny that what you just saw ROCKED!

7. Evil Dead 2 - A true classic made all the greater by the whole BBFC shennanigans regarding the first one. Did you know that pre-Titanic this was the most rented video in the UK? This film is top to bottom awesome but the true highlight has got to be a moment so cool that it brought a forgotten and dated word back into common useage.



Dead by Dawn? On Til The Break Of Dawn more like.

8. Robocop - Each hero, no matter how powerful or cool is defined by his villains. Would Batman be so iconic were it not for the Joker? Would we love John McClane so much if he wasn't matched up against Hans Gruber? Every Sherlock Holmes needs his Moriarty. Now do the same thing with robots.



That's how to introduce a villain. Sure, Dick and Clarence may be the main villains of the film but ED-209 has machineguns and roars like a lion. Again, the simple addition of a killer robot to any film will instantly improve audience reaction. In fact, I have a scipt somewhere I wrote where ED-209 becomes a barman in an episode of the Cash/Aherne sitcom Early Doors. It maintains the gritty and down to earth humour of the "honest but thick" northerners whilst adding the element of risk over being blown to pieces for not settling the tab. If I ever become an eccentric millionaire I will be buying the rights to ED-209.

9. Predator - Another film loaded with awesome, it's always difficult to pick one specific moment that rocks above all others. When in doubt though, go for destruction. I'm sure this rainforest is very important to the oxygenation of the planet, but damn this is impressive.



Of all firearms that appear in films, nothing is quite so killer as a minigun. Hey, produces, working on a western? Missing out on some pizzazz for the final gunfight? Why not replace the six shooters with miniguns? SSure, the historical accuracy may be an issue, but you always mess that up anyway so why not make it a little more exciting. Also, instead of horses they should ride dinosaurs.



10. Last Action Hero - And he's back! The film itself is criminally underrated by the movie watching world despite it being a pretty good Action-Comedy. Even Sir Magneto Ian McKellen makes an appearance. The best part of the film though comes from a daydream.



This film should be made!

So, that's where we'll leave it for now. There are 10 of the most awesomest moments in film that I can think of. Expect another 10 tomorrow in installment two of the blogging that nobody asked for here at This Sentence No Verb! Why don't you join me? JOIN ME!

Next Time On This Sentence No Verb: Stationery, a Peugeot and Kareem Abdul Jabbar!

JYD <3 Hela #2

Let me count the ways...

From The Mighty Thor Vol 1 #382

That stuff just chokes me up.

Where I give props where props are due and add little of value to the internet.

First off just thought I'd let you know that unbelievably on time I've actually put up a new Blog Of The Week! This week, I'm suggesting you all go and take a look at Doctor Scott's Polite Dissent. Here you can get top notch medical analysis of comics from a real life genuine doctor. Seriously. Through reading Polite Dissent I've discovered that intubation is wrong 99 times out of 100 in comic books and being psychic causes nosebleeds more often than not. There's some pretty in-depth analysis and explanation here as well as reviews of each episode of House, old PSAs, sadly defunct medical comics, plenty of Hawk and Dove action and a pretty useful little archive of comic book drugs. Also of note are the advent calendars, which naturally aren't going to be making an appearance ATM but if you look now and bookmark it, by the time you get to Christmas you'll have your very own internet based Yuletide joy a mere click away. Huzzah! Go read!

- - - - - - - - - -


Nothing really of value to share myself this evening, although I have started work on something a little bit longer for this weekend. I managed to meet my 4 post target for last week and I'll try and do the same this week. It'd be great to drop some high class science on y'all like has been happening over at Ami's this week but when you see other people writing something with such meaning and thought it makes you feel like, well, the Snapper Carr to their Justice League.

So until I finally get round to writing that "Why Hela Is So Patently Awesome" post which might actually contain some thoughtful insights and meaningful content* I'll stick to what I do best. Providing you with a plateful of awesome. Here's Superman throwing a whale at an island.

Animal cruelty provided by Superman #278

Oh, and did you order a side dish of radical to go with that?

Batman rugby tackling a lion. Because he can.

Catch you on the flipside boyees.

*Not guaranteed to contain thoughtful insights or meaningful content. May contain a whole bunch of vikings flipping out.

Mike Wieringo 1963-2007

How Tim Drake always looks to me. "Ringo" drew the definitive Robin.

Some of his great work can be found here.

JYD <3 Hela #1

What can I say? I do.



I will explain this in more detail at a later date, but I'm far too drunk right now.

Hybrid

If you cross Doctor Scott with Nextwave, I imagine it would look like this.



Original picture from here. No, I won't explain why I was there.

Sunday Morning Awesomeness

Blatantly pinched from Scans Daily:

I present to you the manliest thing you are going to see all day.



Tony Stark in his pre-cretinous days. Shirtless and mulletted forging robotic fighting suits with a cybernetic hammer as guitars wail in the background. Shortly after filming this intro sequence, Tony went off to wrestle a vampire-bear on the surface of the moon.

And if that's a little bit too manly for you, let's bring it back down with Wonder Woman rescuing some puppies.



Damn, that is equally badass but in an entirely different way. You know that as soon as she's got those puppies to safety someone is going to get their head kicked in.

I know what can calm us all down! A panel from Thor: Property Developer!


I say thee must have filed all relevant forms with the appropriate departments! Have at thee, paperwork!

Mirror Match #1

What up? Today This Sentence No Verb brings to you a staple of the world of video games and soon to be a staple of this blog! The Mirror Match!

The Mirror Match is where we will get two comics featuring the same character and stack them up against each other with a view to a) seeing which one is better and b) attempting to be entertaining by being snarky.

So, with no further ado let's introduce the competitors!

In the Red Corner, weighing in at 16 pages and brought you by Stan "The Man" Lee and Jack "King" Kirby we have the consummate ring veteran....The Mighty Thor Vol1 #150 "Even In Death--!"

And in the blue corner weighing in at 24 pages and brought to you by J. Michael "I Did Babylon 5" Straczynski and Oliver "The Frenchman " Coipel we have the new kid on the block.....Thor Vol3 #2 "Issue 2"

It's classic Marvel Age Madness vs Movie Style Decompression!

Let's get to the action!

The Mighty Thor Vol1 #150

1. Thor lies dead in the rubble! What force could have beaten the Odinson?

2. The Wrecker! Thor's deadliest enemy! It is the crowbar wielding green and purple villain that has slain the Thunderer. Checking to see that Thor is dead the Wrecker is satisfied and heads off to conquer the world! An ambitious plan for one who would eventually start hanging with a couple of rough tricks called "Piledriver" and "Thunderball"

3. As Thor's body lies amongst the ruins he is visited by his deadliest enemy Hela, Norse Goddess of Death and ruler of Hel and Niffelheim! She has come to claim him but before she can she sees that Thor is not fully dead! His spirit rises from the body and reaches out to Hela!

4. Meanwhile in Nornheim , Loki, Thor's evil half-brother and deadliest enemy visits the deadliest of all Thor's enemies Karnilla, Queen of the Norns - it was she who granted the Wrecker the power to slay the Odinson! Loki asks that she also take care of Thor's allies Balder and Sif because they pursue Loki, desperate to get the enchanted crystal globe! Karnilla knows that her Barbaric forest will take care of them before they can ever get near. In the forest itself Sif and Balder are attacked...

Damn, these guys really know how to do hats!

5. ...by a giant barbarian shooting man sized arrows! Balder is pinned to a tree by one but breaks free using his warrior's strength,.

6. Balder throws the arrow back at his foe, smashing the bow into smithereens! He leaps forward, drawing his sword and engages the giant! The giant swings his axe at Balder who ducks. As happens in these situations the giant slices a tree in two, giving Balder an opening.

7. Balder smashes the giant's axe, punches him in the face then grinds his face into the mud whilst talking trash like only an Asgardian can.

Barbaric the Giant is not as well as dressed as the other enemies of Asgard.

8. After vanquishing his foe Balder turns to see that Sif - a might warrior and not at all a damsel in distress - has vanished! Back on Midgard Thor speaks to Hela refusing to go with her whilst one such as the Wrecker threatens the world!

9. A group of policemen attempt to apprehend the Wrecker but he uses his enchanted crowbar to hurl the very ground at them as the bullets bounce off his body. You would have thought that by now the Marvel Universe policemen would have learnt not to bother attacking supervillains. They never get them and always end up having something massive thrown at them.

10. Thor ties to tackle the Wrecker but passes straight through! Not only can he not touch him, he cannot be seen or heard. The Wrecker collapses a building. For kicks.

Aww! He looks so cute down there, waving his little enchanted crowbar!

11. Meanwhile Balder searches for Sif but is ambushed by forest trolls! Thor trolls subdue by Balder by using a blowpipe to fire a giant pellet filled with knockout gas! They chain Balder and take him to their ruler, Karnilla, Queen of the Norns!

12. Karnilla has already captured Sif through means unknown and has her chained up in her castle. Karnilla uses her magical viewing wall to show her the captured Balder! Sif tries to explain their presence but Karnilla is having none of it. They are trespassing in Nornheim!

13. Karnilla then uses her magical viewing wall to show Sif the corpse of Thor! Sif swears that he is still alive in some way, because her heart would know if he was truly dead. Karnilla is touched by her devotion and reveals a secret to Sif - she is in possession of the Destroyer - a near invulnerable suit of armour fuelled by the power of Odin! The only way to use the Destroyer though is to bind the soul of a living creature to it. Surely the Destroyer, Thor's deadliest enemy, could defeat the Wrecker and save Thor, but someone would need to be bound within! Who would possibly volunteer to save the love of Sif's life?

14. Sif! Karnilla removes Sif's soul from her body and binds it to the Destroyer, sending it back to Midgard. Loki appears and in true evil genius fashion laughs maniacally with the Queen - Sif doesn't suspect their master plan!

Those vile fiends! Who would've seen that coming?

15. On Midgard Thor returns back to his body - his spirit attack was entirely pointless! It appears that Hela has gone for some reason. Possibly to buy some more green lipstick or some totally phat alloys for Naflgar. I don't know. I'm sure it was a good reason though. Thor wonders or not whether to enter his body again. It may live or it may condemn him to a final death but with no Hela in sight he risks it. He lives! Meanwhile the Destroyer appears and attacks the Wrecker!

Let sing the voices of Asgard!

16. The Destroyer shatters the Wrecker's enchanted crowbar, bitch slaps him and blasts him unconscious with an energy beam. For a God-Slaying suit of magical armour it's pretty unfortunate that it only ever manages to render people unconscious. Thor turns up and sees the deadliest of his enemies, the Destroyer! Sif tries to signal him but Thor believes it to be be a trick and charges the Destroyer. Next Issue "To The Death!" Thor battles the soul of his dearest love in the body of his deadliest enemy and the return of Ulik the Troll - no enemy of Thor is deadlier than he!

It. Is. On.

A fine showing from the veteran funnybook there - 5 of Thor's rogues gallery, death, betrayal, villainy and bitch-slapping. That's gonna be a tough act to follow but the new boy has a whole 8 page weight advantage. Let's see what he's got.

Thor Vol3 #2

1 A pretty picture of a lovely smalltown diner.

2 Donald Blake is a doctor. He eats breakfast.

3 Donald Blake drives out to a field.

A field.

4 Donald Blake turns into Thor!

5 Thor spins his hammer.

6 The townspeople notice a storm.

7 Thor says "Asgaaaaarrrrddddd!"

Asgaaaaarrrrddddd!

8 The storm continues and some policemen notice it.

9 Asgard appears in the storm.

10 Thor stands in Asgard. He says "Asgard"

Asgard.

11 Thor walks through Asgard.

12 The policemen arrive and tell Thor he can't build on this land.

13 Lightning comes out of Thor's hammer and Asgard starts to move.

14 More lightning, Asgard continues moving

15 Asgard finishes moving. It is now floating above the ground.

16 Asgard is no longer technically on the land. The policemen leave.

Technicalities of planning permission. That's the Mighty Marvel way!

17 Night falls, Thor sits in a chair. He is missing the other Asgardians.

18 Morning. The farmer who owns the land tells Thor that even floating a few feet above the ground, it is still his land.

19 Thor invites the farmer in.

20 Thor offers the farmer whatever he wants from the treasury. Hilarity ensues.

Hilarious consequences.

21 News of Thor's return has spread. The townspeople think he might be lonely.

22 Thor is lonely.

#All by myself...

23 Thor flies away from Asgard.

24 Next Issue: Possibly Thor talks to Iron Man perhaps!


Wow! That 8 page advantage was really used to it's best effect! Nothing excites me more in a comic about the Mightiest of all Asgardians than real estate deals. In fact, I think I know how they can push sales through the roof - much as Thor Vol 2 was renamed Thor: Lord of Asgard in its later days, so too should volume three be rebranded Thor: Property Developer!

Thrill! As Thor closes the deal on some valuable waterfront property!
Marvel! As Thor defeats Loki by selling more houses to become the coveted SalesGod of the month!
Worry! As Thor decides whether to invest in primarily residential or commercial property!
Yawn! As nothing happens!

Surely that's the way for Marvel to go! Each deal could take place over the course of 6 issues - perfect for the trades! What do you say?



Good point.

The Winner:

The Mighty Thor Vol1 #150!

Friday Night Fights

Spider-Man vs The Vulture

From Peter Parker: Spider-Man V2 # 37

Bahlactus endorses assaulting the elderly!

I don't know art but I know what scares the crap out of me

I'm working on a couple of substantial posts for this weekend but tonight is podcast night so here's a brief post for your (alleged) enjoyment.

Marvel at Catwoman's expressionless face!!


She has no soul!

Where I Mock Leigh, Linkblog and Talk About Something That Isn't Comics

How's it going? It's been a while since I rapped at you so I'm going to hit you with an update.

I was quite impressed with my 3 post schedule last week, so I'm going to give it another whirl and see if I can make it 4 this week. Unfortunately, inspiration has yet to strike so you'll have to make do with this whole stream of consciousness/themeless update. Sorry. No-one's making you read it though. You could always check out T-Dog's musings on the return of the cold war. I can see that Richard has updated his too with some of Shuiab's knowledge from the local paper and Leigh has...oh no, my mistake. Still nothing new.

That's not the only thing that you can check out though. Something I recommend to anyone is one of the blogs linked to on the Rolodex of Awesome over there - The Absorbascon. The Absorbascon was the first blog I ever commented on (that didn't belong to someone I already knew) and as such it holds a special place in my heart. Not just for sentimental reasons but because it's probably the smartest comics blog in the world. Sure, you can always get your comic blog staples of out of context panels as well as an obsession with an obscure comic book character there but you can also find complex mathematics and literary theory. Sure, he may prefer the barbaric "civilisation" of Thanagar to that of the interstellar utopia that is Rann but nobody's perfect. Anyway, I was just going to finish off by letting you people know that over there it's Martian Manhunter week. Go read.



Great H'Ronmeer! More? I don't know if I've got any more info to share with all y'all or not, J'onn.

*snaps fingers*

Wait a minute! Of course I have more to share with you! You probably haven't noticed, but there's a funky new addition to that section on the right there. I've now included a link to the official JYD Blog Of The Week. It's here where I can easily plug something from the Rolodex of Awesomeness in a vain attempt to get you bastards (who aren't Leigh) to enjoy the wonderful fannishness (Is that even a word? - Ed) of the world of comics. There'll always be a link to the blog as well as a quote taken from it too so you can see the literary genius contained within. This week's BOTW is Jon Carey's Facedown In The Gutters. Not only is he one of the dulcet voices that you hear on the Big Monkey Podcast but he's also a master of the written word. Weirdly, he is also one of the few American bloggers that has an authentic trans-Atlantic vibe going on. I've seen him use the word "bloody" and even more impressively "The Gunners" entirely correctly. Not just in the right context but in the right way - it doesn't seem forced or out of place. Maybe he's some kind of half-breed like Gillian Anderson. Anyway, a particularly noteworthy post to get an idea of how funny he is is this one. So I implore you, in the name of supporting people who can actually write well on the interweb, go and read. Even though some of the jokes may be outside of your frame of reference you will laugh. I guarantee it.

- - - - - - - - - -

That's not all I got though. This Sentence No Verb isn't solely supposed to be here for me to talk about comics, there are other interests too. And after my success in discovering the masterful game of CurveBall I have once again decided to turn my attention to the wonderful world of free internet games. Perfect for when you have nothing to do on the InformationSuperCanal but are too hungover to read. This evening I present for your gaming pleasure a game I chose to play based solely on the name. And here (in the style of a certain infamous 1990s computer games magazine) is where you have science dropped on you. Boyees.

It's nuclear! It's an eagle! It's nuclear and it's an eagle! It's Nuclear Eagle!



How can you not see the allure of a game so beautifully named?

The premise of the game is pretty simple. You play a giant nuclear powered eagle of death taking revenge on the cruel human world that has tormented its kind for years. It may sound slightly Friends Of The Earth but with the whole mutilation and destruction angle I see it more as an Enemy Of Mankind kind of thing. There are worlds on this, country and city. Whilst out and about in the country, your goal as an Atomic Avian is to look after your young. A wonderful message about nature. Of course, being a Radioactive Raptor your young are about the size of a Suzuki Swift so mice and voles can't sate their hunger. The best way to keep your Neutron Newborn (Can we stop with this please? - Ed.) fully fed is by providing them with a meal of suitable size. People sized.

Feeding helpless civilians to my hungry young.

As the game progresses the people get nastier, they start taking potshots at you and your babies and pretty soon the place is swarming with police, SWAT teams, tanks and helicopter gunships. It's kind of like Grand Theft Auto. But with giant monsters.

Using your mighty talons you can not only grab bystanders and carry them to their doom but you can also fling vehicles around for mighty explosions, sending dozens of people hurtling through the air. To get more points you rack up combos by throwing humans onto cars (they stick there!) and destroying the vehicle. The more vehicles the people hit before finally landing in nest or hitting the ground grants you a bigger combo and more points. You'll soon get the hang of it. It's all about torturing them for as long as possible. Their terrified screams only add to this pleasure.

Combos aren't so important in the country, but the city level is a kind of time attack mode where you have to rack up as many points in the allotted time as possible by wrecking their shit. Nothing is more satisfying than blowing up a tank by throwing a civilian covered SWAT van at it.

I drop a police car on a SWAT van and some civilians. Oh, how I laughed.

It's simple, you only need a mouse to play and it's good old fashioned high-score getting fun. Truly, Nuclear Eagle is the Carnage game of Champions. You too can know what it feels like to be a Feathered Fiend of Fusion. (Right. That's it. I'm stopping it here. - Ed.)

Friday Night Fights

Keeping in with yesterday's theme I think that this is the perfect way to celebrate my 4th post.

Thor, God of Thunder shall see to it thy reign of terror is ENDED!

From Thor Vol 2 #36

Bahlactus: Kicking Ass and Taking Names!

CBB #1: Thor

Hello again. I'm back to do another little post here in an attempt to keep my brain going, pass the time and share a love with you all. CBB or Comic Book Badassery is essentially the moment in a comic when you go "Wow! That's badass!" You may not use those exact words, but the sentiment is pretty easy to grasp. Usually these moments tend to involve somebody getting punched really hard or something being blown up but there are plenty of other badass moments which just showcase superpowers in a novel yet undeniably awesome way. And it's one of those that I want to share with you tonight.

This piece of CBB comes from Dan Jurgens' run on Thor, Thor #29 (Vol. 2) to be exact. Thor and the Warriors Three (a viking Three Musketeers if you will) have just battled the Wrecking Crew who were attempting to steal the powers of the Asgardians and though the Wrecking Crew were driven off, Hogun the Grim was slain in the battle. Awesome as the battle was, what follows is absolutely textbook CBB. We join Thor, Fandral the Dashing and Volstagg the Voluminous as they grieve over their lost comrade. As ever, click to enlarge.



It's that Asgardian dialogue that does it for me. If I am ever attended by friends as I shuffle off this mortal coil I demand that someone uses the phrase "By the bristling beard of Odin!" Hell, I demand people start using that phrase when ordering a pint. "By the bristling beard of Odin, where is my Thwaites' Mild, bar wench?"



Even if you are unfamiliar with Thor's powers you have got to have some idea as to where this is going, right? That tingling sense of anticipation is the first sign that you're about to get some CBB. Additionally comic tradition states that when Thor starts reminding people just how cool he is we know that it is about to be on.



Even Fandral knows that what will happen next is going to be totally boss, radical and killer.



That my friends, is what we describe as "well skill". Just look at that final panel! You never saw Clooney doing anything like that at his hospital, did you? Thor is one of the most powerful and deservedly braggadacio of heroes and nothing says "I am so cool they use my ass to power the Casket of Ancient Winters" like restarting someone's heart with lightning.

The dialogue too. What Thor actually says; "Let sing the voices of Asgard! HOGUN LIVES!" is truly badass in and of itself but what your brain translates this as is altered by his pose, whited-out-by-power-eyes and the magnitude of what has just happened. I don't know about you, but when I look at that panel, Thor has become so cool that I read it as this:

Thor: The John Shaft of Marvel.

There we are, a pure moment of CBB that I love to read over and over again. If, when Tony Blair said there were 24 hours to save the NHS, he brought in the Odinson rather than consultants and targets to reduce waiting lists we'd probably have the best healthcare in the world. No wonder Scandinavian countries always beat us. Could Thor ever work for one of New Labour's PFI hospitals though?



If only backbenchers displayed as much cojones as the Thunderer.