Because nobody asked for it: Part 3

And here we are for part 3. Part 2 was written mostly drunk so I didn't get chance to explain that these aren't the top 30 awesome moments in film, y'see, this list is pretty much reliant on what I can find on YouTube, otherwise I can't demonstrate the awesomeness of the moment. With words, it's just...impossible. So,if there's a moment that doesn't appear on this list that you thought was a dead cert then chances are I can't find it up on the interweb. Either that or your taste sucks.

So, let's get to it and finish rocking your faces.

21. Jurassic Park - If you didn't see this at the cinema I truly pity you.



Goldblum. Dinosaurs. The reappearance of the real star of the film, the T-Rex. Liquid awesome.

22. Goldeneye - He's not my favourite Bond and this isn't the best Bond film, but the pure awesomeness of this entrance cannot be denied.



Yes, the Blues Brothers is an excellent chase, and so is Ronin and Bullitt but they don't involve a tank, do they? Come on, have a word.

23. The Italian Job - The real one of course! It was the whole car chasing thing that made me think of it but that scene is too long to be properly classed as a "moment" really, so here's the best and most often quoted line.



You love it. Explosions and Michael Caine make the world go round.

24. Airplane! - He's back!



Could Michael Jordan do that? No, he was in the terrifyingly poor Space Jam. Plus, he'd spend all his time chummying up to the kid in order to sell him some more sweatshop produced trainers. Kareem? He lays down the law and tells it like it is. Check the look of terror and the kid's face! 'Nuff said, True Believer.

25. Spider-Man 2 - Being awesme isn't all about scaring people and blowing things up though, sometimes it's about gosh darn heroism. This is the best bit from the whole trilogy and surprisingly the only comic book adaptation I've got up here. But c'mon, it's Spidey!



They obviously couldn't fit the Final Chapter 5 Pages into the film so they went with this instead which does an equally good job of characterising Peter's determination. No matter what I read or what I start obsessing over, at heart I'm still your friendy neighbourhood Spidey-Fan.

26. Office Space - Not had your fill of violence yet? Well how's about this merciless beatdown?



This is so awesome that it never fails to get Richard to drunkenly recreate it.

This scene is made all the better by the fact that we've wanted to that ourselves so much. Of course, I've also wanted to go crazy blowing up a jungle with a minigun, but what ya gonna do?

27. Terminator 2 - Robot! Minigun! Robot and Minigun! Prepared to be rocked!



DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA BOOM! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HAA! Ahem. *regains composure* Moving on...

28. My Cousin Vinny - OK, I had an easy pop at Tomei last time, and I shouldn't have. It was an easy swipe and comedy gets enough of a bad time at the Oscars as it is and I actually think she deserved the Oscar for her magnificent performance. So, in celebration of that, lets use a Pesci heavy scene from the film!



That would also be my reaction. To be fair, if I ended up in a hunting lodge in America surrounded by bears, wolves, deer, beavers, eagles and sasquatches I'd get tooled up straight away and spend the majority of my time shooting randomly into the distance. In this country the legalisation of firearm ownership to the same extent as in the States would be a bad idea. Over there, in a country where 15% of fatalities are caused by The Jersey Devil* they should be given weapons at birth.

29. Ghost Dog: Way Of The Samurai - Pointless Stan Lee ones aside, cameos in films tend to be good. A reward to the fans, a little nod or something. This is the king of all cameos though from Samurai themed gangster movie Ghost Dog.



It's the RZA! What the hell?! Brilliant! Bobby Digital should randomly turn up in all films, say something relatively deep then walk off.

30. The Wonderful Ice Cream Suit - Any clip from the Greatest Movie Ever Made will do.



Buy this film.

So there you go Producers. You want to make your films better? Easy, all you need is a project starring Arnie and Kareem Abdul Jabbar travelling through time in a tricked out Peugeot fighting Dinosaurs, Giant Monsters, Robots Ninjas and the Viet Cong using miniguns, shotguns, chainsaws and pens. A helicopter containing Nazis and Arabs should also be destroyed by the Peugeot after a hectic chase involving a tank. Have Brian Glover tell a joke to John Cusack, Michael Caine and Joe Pesci, throw in plenty of swearing and one or two song and dance numbers scored by John Williams and played by a the RZA's mariachi band and you're laughing. Also, a camel should be rendered unconscious. Groovy!

Are you telling me you wouldn't watch that film? Pshaw!

Of course, no awesome film can be complete without some awesome credits. Take it away Jackie...



*Statistics may be completely made up.

Because nobody asked for it: Part 2

Well, I said "tomorrow" and as it turned out, I lied. It wasn't intentionally misleading though, it's just that yesterday I had this whole thing with a thing, where I had to do the thing and...actually, I just couldn't be bothered. Sorry. Like all y'all care anyway.

Just to clear something up, this isn't in order and neither is it my top 30 film moments, these are just 30 moments in films that make you go "Hell yeah!". So, here for your complete lack of pleasure are another 10! Incidentally, there are probably spoilers ahead so for the first time I ever I unveil my Spoiler warning.




No-one will get that. Let's get to it then.

11. Grosse Pointe Blank - Let's start off with some absolutely horrific violence. Fighting is always good in films and comics. In real life, I am not so keen on the pointless violence but it's hard to deny the allure of watching people go mental with the kicking and stuff in fiction. It's very uncivilised of me yes, and not very progressive but part (well, most) of my brain is wired to go "Damn! That rocks!" And this my friends, rocks.



Holy shiznit. Y'all see that? John Cusack (who is a candiadate for celebrities I would be gay for) kills a guy with a pen after some terrifyingly vicious kickboxing. This fight is considered by many to be the best in film history, and it's hard to fault people who think that. Part of it has got to be the contrast which is used well in the film, light hearted comedy and romance paired up with people getting genuinely messed up. Other uses of pens in cinema history include Goldeneye and Casino.

12. Goodfellas - I tease you with Casino and your brain only goes one way. Go on, then here you go...



Wow! Swearing is big and clever! Not only is this scene funny but it's a masterclass in terror. Joe Pesci is on top form form as grade A psycho. The scene may have been parodied to death but it's still burned into the minds of the cinema loving public. This scene is part of the reason why Goodfellas should have won Best Picture. Yet another travesty in the history of the Academy Awards. *coughmarissatomeicough*

13. Game Of Death - Everyone has their own favourite martial artist. Much as I love the likes of Donnie Yuen, Jet Li and Jackie Chan (and despite my Grandma's inexplicable crush on Sammo) Bruce Lee is the martial artist. Come on, he's just plain nails. People may line up to fight him one by one and his legend probably oversells his talent but he's the one who brought kung-fu films to us all. It seemed like there was no-one who could possibly stop him. No matter how much someone was built up against him, he'd always prevail. We just couldn't take any villain seriously. Until...



Bruce Lee should not have won that fight. Ok, Kareem may get choked out but he still manages to slam Bruce through a bench whilst being strangled. And the noises he makles are 40% less silly than those coming from Bruce. When he throws that punch and sends Bruce flying is when you start rooting for the bad guy over the hero and that right there is where Kareem Abdul Jabbar became a God and replaced Doctor J as the greatest backetball player of all time. I'm not talking on the court, I'm just talking in terms of awesomeness. If I ever ran an evil organisation Kareem would be Henchman #1. Jean Paul Gaultier would be Henchman #2 but I'm not going to go into that right now.

14. Taxi 2 - And speaking of the French, here's one of their better films. Hell, I actually wanted a different bit from the first film to use as a clip here, but unfortunately I can't seem to find it up on YouTube so we'll just have to make do with the third greatest moment in French film history. If you are unfamiliar with the first film it concerns the world's fastest taxi driver helping the police against a gang of German thieves. Here is the opening to number 2.



Car chases are always a good thing to throw in a film, but there's something special about a rally car being overtaken by a taxi.

15. An American Werewolf In London - A great film throughout despite the fact that they take David to London rather than Leeds General. Anyway, thefilm is packed with awesome although my favourite bit is Brian Glover.



Perfect. Joke. Delivery. Probably the only time I'd ever feel happy praising a Yorkshireman being such a proud Lancastrian but you can't fault the way he tells it. Damn, that Glover has skillz to pay the billz. Or at least put a significant downpayment on them.

16. Se7en - A film that I swear should be known as SeSevenEn because of the stupid use of a number in the middle of the word. It doesn't even look like a V! Maybe at 90 degrees or if you're stoned but come on, for a worldwide release? What the hell?! Anyway, here's another great scene and awesome moment from Hollywood, the climactic and spectacularly acted ending to Se7en.



Ha ha ha! You all thought the joke one was coming at number 30! Psyche! Man, the ending to Se7en sucks.

Worst.

Acting.

Ever.

17. Aladdin - From the second best film ever (if you want to know number one, check out part 3) here's the best song from the film.



I defy you to not go away singing that.

"#He's got the monkeys! Let's see the monkeys!"

18. Apocalypse Now - We're on the big guns now, here's the most awe-inspiring moment in the 4th greatest film ever.



Sure, it's on about the atrocities comitted during the Vietnam war, but when you see this on the big screen you can't help but be blown away by the experience. It may be my 4th favourite film ever but it's number 1 in the cinema. And I don't even like German opera.

19. South Park The Movie: Bigger, Longer and Uncut - Proving that musicals don't have to be paint-by-the-numbers blandosity.



Being the sort of guy who mocks the whole "Won't somebody think of the children" type mentality, I love this piece of satire. It pretty much sums up what is wrong with the world today, "#We must blame them and cause a fuss, before somebody thinks of blaming US!" Fuck parents. Just because y'all had a kid, doesn't make you special. Try fucking parenting for a change. Video games, TV, movies or rap music don't make kids fuck up, it's a lack of parenting skillls. I've made many mistakes in my life so far and I'll no doubt make many nmre but the responsibility lies solely at my feet, don't try and pawn it off onto some scapegoat. Damn, stuff like that makes me angry. Sorry if I got all preachy there, but I'm drunk now and I find it harder to refrain from righteous anger.

20. Brotherhood Of The Wolf - And just in case you were wondering from earlier on, here is the greatest moment in French film history.



That is Mark Dacascos playing a Native American ninja who is assistant to a biologist hunting a werewolf that is actually a lion in semi robotic armour in pre-revolutionary France. This is why it bugs me when people knock the French. If you can find a character concept stronger than that one I will happily accept all erroneous accusations of cowardice. Hell, Captain America likes liked the French when he was alive and if it's good enough for Cap, it's good enough for the rest of the world. I miss you Steve! *sob* Err, anyway...

That's it for part 2. Make sure you head on back in the next couple of days for part 3 which will include, ooh, let me see... dinosaurs, robots and Kareem Abdul Jabbar!

Because nobody asked for it: Part 1

It's been a good summer. Not the weather of course, that's been absolutely dire. Also, haven't reelly done anything since Glastonbury (mainly because of the weather) but that doesn't alter the fact that I consider this summer a god one. Why? The films. Yes, it's been a pretty good summer of film fun, starting off with Pirates III then going through Fantastic Four 2, Die Hard 4.0, Transformers, err, one and TMNT .....4? Or possibly 1? Anyway, they've all done exactly what I wanted them to do, provide me with entertainment for a couple of hours at a time. Maybe the future really is bright for cinema. I don't think there's been a film this summer I haven't enjoyed.

Apart from The Simpsons.

I don't usually mind so much when I go to the cinema and end up seeing something I don't particularly like. I accept that. Them's the breaks. But when it's something that you've been looking forward to, something that has so much potential, something that should be the highlight of the summer and it falls flat...it makes you lose faith in the world of cinema.

Apart from one Green Lantern joke, all the best bits of the film were in the trailer. You'd have more fun watching the trailer 43 times in a row. There would be more laughs. It's not that the film is particularly bad as such, it's just that it really really didn't live up to expectations. And that's worse than watching something completely rubbish. That's your fan entitlement right there "I love that show, how dare you make something I don't enjoy as much!"

It has me worried though, if something with such a strong concept can go so wrong then what if it happens again? What if all films start worshipping at the altar of suck? We need to avoid that at all costs. If only Hollywood producers had some kind of guide they could refer to so their films don't end up disappointing cinema-goers and leaving us feeling a little let down. Some sort of list that they could refer to that details where other films have gone right. Who ccould have the sheer ego to compile a list to make all films awesome based solely on their personal taste? Who, I ask you, has the cojones?

(pause for beat)

JYD Presents: 30 Awesome Things In Films!

1. Die Hard 4.0 - Cars are cool. Helicopters are cool. Ramps are cool. Explosions are cool. Bruce Willis is very cool. Put them all together and what happens? This happens:



That's how we do it boys and girls. The only way to top that vehicular collision is if it was a hovercracft crashing into a space shuttle.

2. Conan the Barbarian - Animal cruelty seems to be a recurring theme here on This Sentence No Verb which does make me look slightly like a bit of a barbarian myself but damn, this bit just rocks my face every time.



He may be too big to be a thief, but Arnie knows the best way to deal with cheeky beasts of burden - a swift tap on the jaw. I think that's actually how he won the Gubernatorial recall election too. Him and Gray Davis were given 30 minutes to render as many pack animals unconscious as possible. True to form Arnie KOd 6 oxen, 10 horses and 15 llamas whilst Davis spent the entire 30 minutes ineffectually thumping a pony. Not true or funny, but I really like the word "Gubernatorial." It does bug me that Arnie is referred to as "The Governator" though, when "Conan the Legislator" is a much cooler name.

3. Singing in the Rain - It's not all about violence though, there are some film moments equally dripping with awesomicitude. Singing, dancing and clowning.



The best part of the best musical ever made. I could watch this over and over again. In fact, I think I will. Feel free to watch it again.

4. Godzilla: Final Wars - Being such a fan of post-modernism, I love a little bit of intertextuality. Link that up with entitlement issues and mocking the work of Roland Emmerich and you get this piece of cinematic glory:



Watching giant monsters fight and destroy landmarks is a great way to increase the radical factor of your film - even more so with a thumping metal soundtrack. Can you imagine how much more impressive Sideways would have been if the wine tasting was interrupted by Mothra wailing on Jet Jaguar? It'd break up all the clever dialogue driven moments with shit getting wrecked. Ideas like this are why I should be a Hollywood producer.

5. Raiders Of The Lost Ark - Which bit do I mean? The awesome truck chase? The bit with the boulder? The propellor death? Opening the Ark? Damn, this film is loaded with awesome. So, any of those scenes the one I'm on about? No, I'm talking about this:



Bad.

Ass.

Proving that you don't need a twenty minute fight scene using all kinds of wirework, special effects and depressingly "cool" characters (I'm looking at you Wachowskis) to be truly awesome. If he's having a bad day Indiana Jones Will Kill You. No fuss, no mess - just death.

6. Back To The Future - More from the 80s. You want your film to be awesome? Throw in some rockin' electric guitar and you've got it!



OK, the "Hey Chuck, it's your Marvin. Your cousin Marvin BERRY!" could not be construed for awesome, but the walkthrough of guitar styles of the ages is one of the iconic moments in films. Yes, it's postmodernism again, but you can't deny that what you just saw ROCKED!

7. Evil Dead 2 - A true classic made all the greater by the whole BBFC shennanigans regarding the first one. Did you know that pre-Titanic this was the most rented video in the UK? This film is top to bottom awesome but the true highlight has got to be a moment so cool that it brought a forgotten and dated word back into common useage.



Dead by Dawn? On Til The Break Of Dawn more like.

8. Robocop - Each hero, no matter how powerful or cool is defined by his villains. Would Batman be so iconic were it not for the Joker? Would we love John McClane so much if he wasn't matched up against Hans Gruber? Every Sherlock Holmes needs his Moriarty. Now do the same thing with robots.



That's how to introduce a villain. Sure, Dick and Clarence may be the main villains of the film but ED-209 has machineguns and roars like a lion. Again, the simple addition of a killer robot to any film will instantly improve audience reaction. In fact, I have a scipt somewhere I wrote where ED-209 becomes a barman in an episode of the Cash/Aherne sitcom Early Doors. It maintains the gritty and down to earth humour of the "honest but thick" northerners whilst adding the element of risk over being blown to pieces for not settling the tab. If I ever become an eccentric millionaire I will be buying the rights to ED-209.

9. Predator - Another film loaded with awesome, it's always difficult to pick one specific moment that rocks above all others. When in doubt though, go for destruction. I'm sure this rainforest is very important to the oxygenation of the planet, but damn this is impressive.



Of all firearms that appear in films, nothing is quite so killer as a minigun. Hey, produces, working on a western? Missing out on some pizzazz for the final gunfight? Why not replace the six shooters with miniguns? SSure, the historical accuracy may be an issue, but you always mess that up anyway so why not make it a little more exciting. Also, instead of horses they should ride dinosaurs.



10. Last Action Hero - And he's back! The film itself is criminally underrated by the movie watching world despite it being a pretty good Action-Comedy. Even Sir Magneto Ian McKellen makes an appearance. The best part of the film though comes from a daydream.



This film should be made!

So, that's where we'll leave it for now. There are 10 of the most awesomest moments in film that I can think of. Expect another 10 tomorrow in installment two of the blogging that nobody asked for here at This Sentence No Verb! Why don't you join me? JOIN ME!

Next Time On This Sentence No Verb: Stationery, a Peugeot and Kareem Abdul Jabbar!