JYD <3 Hela #4

I had a day off today and the plan was to have a little bit of a do last night then spend the day working on a sizeable Mirror Match post. Unfortunately, last night's "one or two light ales" turned into a full on booze session during which a plan was made.

Today I have done the following:

Returned to the place that stole my shoes.
Seen a newspaper from the future.
Cursed a play.
Shot virtual deer, quail and boar.
Bought myself a new bandana.
Consumed plenty of high quality rum in a bar that had its own vault.
Watched Rovers put in a shockingly poor performance against Larissa.
Eaten a mighty fine curry.
Received a talk on fire safety.

To be honest, this is a pretty textbook example of what happens when I go to Lancaster and Morecambe. At least this time I didn't lose any footwear to quicksand. In fact, it was a great day. So good that I have absolutely nothing to post here. Nada. That was supposed to be today's task and I'm at work tomorrow so I have little time to do anything right now. I've failed in my 7 days of content pledge. This isn't content, it's merely filler. I mean, I'm going to try to make it worthwhile but in doing so I'll be, well, doing something I never wanted to do. I'm bringing next week's JYD Loves Hela forward.

This Sentence No Verb: Packed to the brim with Asgard, Asgard, Asgard!

Come on, I tried, right? This wasn't too much of a cop out. It might not be stellar work, but I think now I can say I've met my pledge, right?

Aw.

Thor: Property Developer

Hey there people, how's it going? Y'all large and in charge? Good stuff, that's what I like to hear. So, what to talk about today? Couple of ideas going on but then I was interrupted by reading this.

Yup, Newsarama has got the first 8 pages of Thor V3 #3 up in a preview kind of way and being incredibly naive I thought it might hold huge amounts of promise. Usually I won't criticise something without reading the entireity of the issue but it's breaking news and it caught my attention, so let's take a look at is shall we?

Page 1

Wow. Just...wow. I'm sure that an intellectual point is about to be made, but I still think there's something incredibly...off...with sending a Weather God to New Orleans. Just sayin'. Maybe they'll redeem themselves with page 2, maybe not. Let's find out together.

Page 2

Why were there no heroes there to help? Possibly because the writer's then displayed a little more sensitivity and decorum. It's making me uncomfortable to read this because Marvel's varied polemics over the past couple of years in regard to politics has been less than exellent.

Page 3

Hey! It's just like the ending to Civil War! When heroes fight, everybody loses! Especially the readers! Now, I'm not against two heroes battling each other in a classic team-up way - misunderstanding leading to a fight and then working together for the common good (after all Thor himself has had some mighty throwdowns with Hercules) or when a hero has been mind controlled or so vastly mischaracterised that they need a good beatdown (like I'm hoping happens in this issue) but it shouldn't be so serious and it shouldn't be a never ending war between 2 factions of heroes. I can get quality satire and political commentary in other places, and it's just not done well enough in recent comics for me to want to see more of it there.

Page 4

Holy crap! Iron Man's here within 4 pages! I guess it's about to be on. Possibly. Although I'm only guessing.

Page 5

Well, at least there's some consistency with Iron Man - he's a sleaze in every comic he appears in ATM! You've got to love that futurism, right there. All business. Well, he wants to get down to "business". Whatever it is, it can't be as slow and actionless as the last issue. Let's see some business!

Page 6

Oh. My. God.

They're at it again!


I was joking last time! No more real estate! Stop it! Dull! Incredibly dull!

Although that last panel has potential. "So? What do you say?" With a feed line like that, there's only one response that the Thunderer can give! It is on!

Page 7

How the hell can you not follow a setup like that with "I SAY THEE NAY!" Do they just hate Thor fans? You can't build something up like that and let it hang. That'd be like having the Joker laughing maniacally about how he's taken care of Batman whilst he stands under a massive window and having the approaching shape turn out to be the window cleaner. Whilst Batman's off deliberately not building memorials that he should because the writer is being commanded by his sinister besuited paymasters. Sorry, off topic there. At least the thunder's a-coming now, the next page is so going to be Iron Man's face meeting Mjolnir!

Page 8

Just fight already! Less posey, more hitty! Come on! Argh! 8 pages! We'd be halfway through an old Stan and Jack Mighty Thor! And by this point he'd probably already have fought Ulik, had an argument with Odin, performed surgery as Donald Blake and gone hunting with Sif and Balder! Bloody get on with it! Stop trying to build the mood so much! You can do better! You're not making a movie!

Right. That's it. 8 pages that don't fill me with hope. I know it's only a preview and maybe after that it gets awesome, but I have a horrible suspicion that the fight is going to be stopped when they end up endagering that civilian who was lecturing Thor earlier. Ugh.

Thing with the internet is everyone has very widely differing opinions and through the safety of anonominity that it provides it means that people get angry when you attack something. You get insults, swearing, displays homophobia, misogyny and xenophobia, you get phrases like "If you don't like it, why not write comics yourself?!"

OK. I accept the challenge.

8 pages? I can do better in 8 panels using the magic of MSPaint and Adobe Photoshop - Proud and entirely unwitting sponsors of This Sentence No Verb.

Disclaimer: This took me ages and the amount of effort put into doing it far exceeds the actual entertainment value and quality of the final product. Seriously, I spent hours on this.


















I had Walt Simonson do one of those panels. I'll let you work out which one.

Well, I may never win an Eisner for that work and I'm going to end up getting Thor #3 anyway, but that doesn't mean I have to enjoy it. It'll be an arduous exercise in character building. Always try and find a positive. But I guess I could be wrong, it could turn out to be awesome. Right? What do you think Thor?

Mirror Match #1

What up? Today This Sentence No Verb brings to you a staple of the world of video games and soon to be a staple of this blog! The Mirror Match!

The Mirror Match is where we will get two comics featuring the same character and stack them up against each other with a view to a) seeing which one is better and b) attempting to be entertaining by being snarky.

So, with no further ado let's introduce the competitors!

In the Red Corner, weighing in at 16 pages and brought you by Stan "The Man" Lee and Jack "King" Kirby we have the consummate ring veteran....The Mighty Thor Vol1 #150 "Even In Death--!"

And in the blue corner weighing in at 24 pages and brought to you by J. Michael "I Did Babylon 5" Straczynski and Oliver "The Frenchman " Coipel we have the new kid on the block.....Thor Vol3 #2 "Issue 2"

It's classic Marvel Age Madness vs Movie Style Decompression!

Let's get to the action!

The Mighty Thor Vol1 #150

1. Thor lies dead in the rubble! What force could have beaten the Odinson?

2. The Wrecker! Thor's deadliest enemy! It is the crowbar wielding green and purple villain that has slain the Thunderer. Checking to see that Thor is dead the Wrecker is satisfied and heads off to conquer the world! An ambitious plan for one who would eventually start hanging with a couple of rough tricks called "Piledriver" and "Thunderball"

3. As Thor's body lies amongst the ruins he is visited by his deadliest enemy Hela, Norse Goddess of Death and ruler of Hel and Niffelheim! She has come to claim him but before she can she sees that Thor is not fully dead! His spirit rises from the body and reaches out to Hela!

4. Meanwhile in Nornheim , Loki, Thor's evil half-brother and deadliest enemy visits the deadliest of all Thor's enemies Karnilla, Queen of the Norns - it was she who granted the Wrecker the power to slay the Odinson! Loki asks that she also take care of Thor's allies Balder and Sif because they pursue Loki, desperate to get the enchanted crystal globe! Karnilla knows that her Barbaric forest will take care of them before they can ever get near. In the forest itself Sif and Balder are attacked...

Damn, these guys really know how to do hats!

5. ...by a giant barbarian shooting man sized arrows! Balder is pinned to a tree by one but breaks free using his warrior's strength,.

6. Balder throws the arrow back at his foe, smashing the bow into smithereens! He leaps forward, drawing his sword and engages the giant! The giant swings his axe at Balder who ducks. As happens in these situations the giant slices a tree in two, giving Balder an opening.

7. Balder smashes the giant's axe, punches him in the face then grinds his face into the mud whilst talking trash like only an Asgardian can.

Barbaric the Giant is not as well as dressed as the other enemies of Asgard.

8. After vanquishing his foe Balder turns to see that Sif - a might warrior and not at all a damsel in distress - has vanished! Back on Midgard Thor speaks to Hela refusing to go with her whilst one such as the Wrecker threatens the world!

9. A group of policemen attempt to apprehend the Wrecker but he uses his enchanted crowbar to hurl the very ground at them as the bullets bounce off his body. You would have thought that by now the Marvel Universe policemen would have learnt not to bother attacking supervillains. They never get them and always end up having something massive thrown at them.

10. Thor ties to tackle the Wrecker but passes straight through! Not only can he not touch him, he cannot be seen or heard. The Wrecker collapses a building. For kicks.

Aww! He looks so cute down there, waving his little enchanted crowbar!

11. Meanwhile Balder searches for Sif but is ambushed by forest trolls! Thor trolls subdue by Balder by using a blowpipe to fire a giant pellet filled with knockout gas! They chain Balder and take him to their ruler, Karnilla, Queen of the Norns!

12. Karnilla has already captured Sif through means unknown and has her chained up in her castle. Karnilla uses her magical viewing wall to show her the captured Balder! Sif tries to explain their presence but Karnilla is having none of it. They are trespassing in Nornheim!

13. Karnilla then uses her magical viewing wall to show Sif the corpse of Thor! Sif swears that he is still alive in some way, because her heart would know if he was truly dead. Karnilla is touched by her devotion and reveals a secret to Sif - she is in possession of the Destroyer - a near invulnerable suit of armour fuelled by the power of Odin! The only way to use the Destroyer though is to bind the soul of a living creature to it. Surely the Destroyer, Thor's deadliest enemy, could defeat the Wrecker and save Thor, but someone would need to be bound within! Who would possibly volunteer to save the love of Sif's life?

14. Sif! Karnilla removes Sif's soul from her body and binds it to the Destroyer, sending it back to Midgard. Loki appears and in true evil genius fashion laughs maniacally with the Queen - Sif doesn't suspect their master plan!

Those vile fiends! Who would've seen that coming?

15. On Midgard Thor returns back to his body - his spirit attack was entirely pointless! It appears that Hela has gone for some reason. Possibly to buy some more green lipstick or some totally phat alloys for Naflgar. I don't know. I'm sure it was a good reason though. Thor wonders or not whether to enter his body again. It may live or it may condemn him to a final death but with no Hela in sight he risks it. He lives! Meanwhile the Destroyer appears and attacks the Wrecker!

Let sing the voices of Asgard!

16. The Destroyer shatters the Wrecker's enchanted crowbar, bitch slaps him and blasts him unconscious with an energy beam. For a God-Slaying suit of magical armour it's pretty unfortunate that it only ever manages to render people unconscious. Thor turns up and sees the deadliest of his enemies, the Destroyer! Sif tries to signal him but Thor believes it to be be a trick and charges the Destroyer. Next Issue "To The Death!" Thor battles the soul of his dearest love in the body of his deadliest enemy and the return of Ulik the Troll - no enemy of Thor is deadlier than he!

It. Is. On.

A fine showing from the veteran funnybook there - 5 of Thor's rogues gallery, death, betrayal, villainy and bitch-slapping. That's gonna be a tough act to follow but the new boy has a whole 8 page weight advantage. Let's see what he's got.

Thor Vol3 #2

1 A pretty picture of a lovely smalltown diner.

2 Donald Blake is a doctor. He eats breakfast.

3 Donald Blake drives out to a field.

A field.

4 Donald Blake turns into Thor!

5 Thor spins his hammer.

6 The townspeople notice a storm.

7 Thor says "Asgaaaaarrrrddddd!"

Asgaaaaarrrrddddd!

8 The storm continues and some policemen notice it.

9 Asgard appears in the storm.

10 Thor stands in Asgard. He says "Asgard"

Asgard.

11 Thor walks through Asgard.

12 The policemen arrive and tell Thor he can't build on this land.

13 Lightning comes out of Thor's hammer and Asgard starts to move.

14 More lightning, Asgard continues moving

15 Asgard finishes moving. It is now floating above the ground.

16 Asgard is no longer technically on the land. The policemen leave.

Technicalities of planning permission. That's the Mighty Marvel way!

17 Night falls, Thor sits in a chair. He is missing the other Asgardians.

18 Morning. The farmer who owns the land tells Thor that even floating a few feet above the ground, it is still his land.

19 Thor invites the farmer in.

20 Thor offers the farmer whatever he wants from the treasury. Hilarity ensues.

Hilarious consequences.

21 News of Thor's return has spread. The townspeople think he might be lonely.

22 Thor is lonely.

#All by myself...

23 Thor flies away from Asgard.

24 Next Issue: Possibly Thor talks to Iron Man perhaps!


Wow! That 8 page advantage was really used to it's best effect! Nothing excites me more in a comic about the Mightiest of all Asgardians than real estate deals. In fact, I think I know how they can push sales through the roof - much as Thor Vol 2 was renamed Thor: Lord of Asgard in its later days, so too should volume three be rebranded Thor: Property Developer!

Thrill! As Thor closes the deal on some valuable waterfront property!
Marvel! As Thor defeats Loki by selling more houses to become the coveted SalesGod of the month!
Worry! As Thor decides whether to invest in primarily residential or commercial property!
Yawn! As nothing happens!

Surely that's the way for Marvel to go! Each deal could take place over the course of 6 issues - perfect for the trades! What do you say?



Good point.

The Winner:

The Mighty Thor Vol1 #150!

CBB #1: Thor

Hello again. I'm back to do another little post here in an attempt to keep my brain going, pass the time and share a love with you all. CBB or Comic Book Badassery is essentially the moment in a comic when you go "Wow! That's badass!" You may not use those exact words, but the sentiment is pretty easy to grasp. Usually these moments tend to involve somebody getting punched really hard or something being blown up but there are plenty of other badass moments which just showcase superpowers in a novel yet undeniably awesome way. And it's one of those that I want to share with you tonight.

This piece of CBB comes from Dan Jurgens' run on Thor, Thor #29 (Vol. 2) to be exact. Thor and the Warriors Three (a viking Three Musketeers if you will) have just battled the Wrecking Crew who were attempting to steal the powers of the Asgardians and though the Wrecking Crew were driven off, Hogun the Grim was slain in the battle. Awesome as the battle was, what follows is absolutely textbook CBB. We join Thor, Fandral the Dashing and Volstagg the Voluminous as they grieve over their lost comrade. As ever, click to enlarge.



It's that Asgardian dialogue that does it for me. If I am ever attended by friends as I shuffle off this mortal coil I demand that someone uses the phrase "By the bristling beard of Odin!" Hell, I demand people start using that phrase when ordering a pint. "By the bristling beard of Odin, where is my Thwaites' Mild, bar wench?"



Even if you are unfamiliar with Thor's powers you have got to have some idea as to where this is going, right? That tingling sense of anticipation is the first sign that you're about to get some CBB. Additionally comic tradition states that when Thor starts reminding people just how cool he is we know that it is about to be on.



Even Fandral knows that what will happen next is going to be totally boss, radical and killer.



That my friends, is what we describe as "well skill". Just look at that final panel! You never saw Clooney doing anything like that at his hospital, did you? Thor is one of the most powerful and deservedly braggadacio of heroes and nothing says "I am so cool they use my ass to power the Casket of Ancient Winters" like restarting someone's heart with lightning.

The dialogue too. What Thor actually says; "Let sing the voices of Asgard! HOGUN LIVES!" is truly badass in and of itself but what your brain translates this as is altered by his pose, whited-out-by-power-eyes and the magnitude of what has just happened. I don't know about you, but when I look at that panel, Thor has become so cool that I read it as this:

Thor: The John Shaft of Marvel.

There we are, a pure moment of CBB that I love to read over and over again. If, when Tony Blair said there were 24 hours to save the NHS, he brought in the Odinson rather than consultants and targets to reduce waiting lists we'd probably have the best healthcare in the world. No wonder Scandinavian countries always beat us. Could Thor ever work for one of New Labour's PFI hospitals though?



If only backbenchers displayed as much cojones as the Thunderer.