Because nobody asked for it: Part 1

It's been a good summer. Not the weather of course, that's been absolutely dire. Also, haven't reelly done anything since Glastonbury (mainly because of the weather) but that doesn't alter the fact that I consider this summer a god one. Why? The films. Yes, it's been a pretty good summer of film fun, starting off with Pirates III then going through Fantastic Four 2, Die Hard 4.0, Transformers, err, one and TMNT .....4? Or possibly 1? Anyway, they've all done exactly what I wanted them to do, provide me with entertainment for a couple of hours at a time. Maybe the future really is bright for cinema. I don't think there's been a film this summer I haven't enjoyed.

Apart from The Simpsons.

I don't usually mind so much when I go to the cinema and end up seeing something I don't particularly like. I accept that. Them's the breaks. But when it's something that you've been looking forward to, something that has so much potential, something that should be the highlight of the summer and it falls flat...it makes you lose faith in the world of cinema.

Apart from one Green Lantern joke, all the best bits of the film were in the trailer. You'd have more fun watching the trailer 43 times in a row. There would be more laughs. It's not that the film is particularly bad as such, it's just that it really really didn't live up to expectations. And that's worse than watching something completely rubbish. That's your fan entitlement right there "I love that show, how dare you make something I don't enjoy as much!"

It has me worried though, if something with such a strong concept can go so wrong then what if it happens again? What if all films start worshipping at the altar of suck? We need to avoid that at all costs. If only Hollywood producers had some kind of guide they could refer to so their films don't end up disappointing cinema-goers and leaving us feeling a little let down. Some sort of list that they could refer to that details where other films have gone right. Who ccould have the sheer ego to compile a list to make all films awesome based solely on their personal taste? Who, I ask you, has the cojones?

(pause for beat)

JYD Presents: 30 Awesome Things In Films!

1. Die Hard 4.0 - Cars are cool. Helicopters are cool. Ramps are cool. Explosions are cool. Bruce Willis is very cool. Put them all together and what happens? This happens:



That's how we do it boys and girls. The only way to top that vehicular collision is if it was a hovercracft crashing into a space shuttle.

2. Conan the Barbarian - Animal cruelty seems to be a recurring theme here on This Sentence No Verb which does make me look slightly like a bit of a barbarian myself but damn, this bit just rocks my face every time.



He may be too big to be a thief, but Arnie knows the best way to deal with cheeky beasts of burden - a swift tap on the jaw. I think that's actually how he won the Gubernatorial recall election too. Him and Gray Davis were given 30 minutes to render as many pack animals unconscious as possible. True to form Arnie KOd 6 oxen, 10 horses and 15 llamas whilst Davis spent the entire 30 minutes ineffectually thumping a pony. Not true or funny, but I really like the word "Gubernatorial." It does bug me that Arnie is referred to as "The Governator" though, when "Conan the Legislator" is a much cooler name.

3. Singing in the Rain - It's not all about violence though, there are some film moments equally dripping with awesomicitude. Singing, dancing and clowning.



The best part of the best musical ever made. I could watch this over and over again. In fact, I think I will. Feel free to watch it again.

4. Godzilla: Final Wars - Being such a fan of post-modernism, I love a little bit of intertextuality. Link that up with entitlement issues and mocking the work of Roland Emmerich and you get this piece of cinematic glory:



Watching giant monsters fight and destroy landmarks is a great way to increase the radical factor of your film - even more so with a thumping metal soundtrack. Can you imagine how much more impressive Sideways would have been if the wine tasting was interrupted by Mothra wailing on Jet Jaguar? It'd break up all the clever dialogue driven moments with shit getting wrecked. Ideas like this are why I should be a Hollywood producer.

5. Raiders Of The Lost Ark - Which bit do I mean? The awesome truck chase? The bit with the boulder? The propellor death? Opening the Ark? Damn, this film is loaded with awesome. So, any of those scenes the one I'm on about? No, I'm talking about this:



Bad.

Ass.

Proving that you don't need a twenty minute fight scene using all kinds of wirework, special effects and depressingly "cool" characters (I'm looking at you Wachowskis) to be truly awesome. If he's having a bad day Indiana Jones Will Kill You. No fuss, no mess - just death.

6. Back To The Future - More from the 80s. You want your film to be awesome? Throw in some rockin' electric guitar and you've got it!



OK, the "Hey Chuck, it's your Marvin. Your cousin Marvin BERRY!" could not be construed for awesome, but the walkthrough of guitar styles of the ages is one of the iconic moments in films. Yes, it's postmodernism again, but you can't deny that what you just saw ROCKED!

7. Evil Dead 2 - A true classic made all the greater by the whole BBFC shennanigans regarding the first one. Did you know that pre-Titanic this was the most rented video in the UK? This film is top to bottom awesome but the true highlight has got to be a moment so cool that it brought a forgotten and dated word back into common useage.



Dead by Dawn? On Til The Break Of Dawn more like.

8. Robocop - Each hero, no matter how powerful or cool is defined by his villains. Would Batman be so iconic were it not for the Joker? Would we love John McClane so much if he wasn't matched up against Hans Gruber? Every Sherlock Holmes needs his Moriarty. Now do the same thing with robots.



That's how to introduce a villain. Sure, Dick and Clarence may be the main villains of the film but ED-209 has machineguns and roars like a lion. Again, the simple addition of a killer robot to any film will instantly improve audience reaction. In fact, I have a scipt somewhere I wrote where ED-209 becomes a barman in an episode of the Cash/Aherne sitcom Early Doors. It maintains the gritty and down to earth humour of the "honest but thick" northerners whilst adding the element of risk over being blown to pieces for not settling the tab. If I ever become an eccentric millionaire I will be buying the rights to ED-209.

9. Predator - Another film loaded with awesome, it's always difficult to pick one specific moment that rocks above all others. When in doubt though, go for destruction. I'm sure this rainforest is very important to the oxygenation of the planet, but damn this is impressive.



Of all firearms that appear in films, nothing is quite so killer as a minigun. Hey, produces, working on a western? Missing out on some pizzazz for the final gunfight? Why not replace the six shooters with miniguns? SSure, the historical accuracy may be an issue, but you always mess that up anyway so why not make it a little more exciting. Also, instead of horses they should ride dinosaurs.



10. Last Action Hero - And he's back! The film itself is criminally underrated by the movie watching world despite it being a pretty good Action-Comedy. Even Sir Magneto Ian McKellen makes an appearance. The best part of the film though comes from a daydream.



This film should be made!

So, that's where we'll leave it for now. There are 10 of the most awesomest moments in film that I can think of. Expect another 10 tomorrow in installment two of the blogging that nobody asked for here at This Sentence No Verb! Why don't you join me? JOIN ME!

Next Time On This Sentence No Verb: Stationery, a Peugeot and Kareem Abdul Jabbar!