First, select your ten fictional characters (from any medium) by whichever method you like best. Then answer the questions below.
Whichever method I like best? Hmm, I've always been a fan of the thinking and writing it down but maybe there is something to be said for an entirely random method of selecting characters. Of course, the logistics of randomly selecting 10 from every fictional character ever is a little beyond me. So let's stick with the thinking and writing thing.
1. Thor (The Mighty Thor)
2. Reno Raines (Renegade)
3. Mothra (Many films)
4. Ed-209 (Robocop)
5. Hans Gruber (Die Hard)
6. Jessie (Pokemon)
7. Quistis Trepe (FFVIII)
8. Oracle (BoP)
9. Columbo (Columbo)
10. Hela (The Mighty Thor)
1. Divide the list up by even and odd. Which group of five would make a better Five Man Band (like a Power Rangers team)? Who would you slot in each position: Leader, Lancer (second-in-command), Big Guy, Smart Guy, The Chick? If you think the team would be improved by swapping one character between the even and odd groups, which ones would you switch?
Team A:
Thor
Mothra
Hans Gruber
Quistis Trepe
Columbo
Team B:
Reno Raines
Ed-209
Jessie
Oracle
Hela
A 5 man band? Well, looking at what I got there, I'd say that both teams have a pretty good chance of making a truly awesome band of 5, but that's because I have impeccable taste. Seriously. But I'm going to go with Team A just edging it over Team B. Both teams have a divine figure but A also has a kaiju. Plus Mothra always comes with those weird fairy princesses from Infant Island, so they have a number advantage too. #Mosura ya, mosura-a-a, dongan kasakuyan...
Now, let's assign those positions as teams! Go Team A!
Leader: Hans Gruber
Lancer: Thor
Big Guy: Mothra
Smart Guy: Columbo
The Chick: Quistis Trepe
OK, I know it's strange that the Viking God of Thunder isn't either the leader or big guy, but he was pipped to the positions by two people who were just slightly better at it. Well, one person and a giant phoenix-like moth, but you know what I mean.
Team B.....Present Arms!
Leader: Hela
Lancer: Jessie
Big Guy: Ed-209
Smart Guy: Oracle
The Chick: Reno Raines
That was pretty easy. To be honest, Oracle would have made a great leader but this team is actually pretty lacking in brains so the Smart Guy has to be the smartest person in the DC universe. Yes, I said the smartest. Oracle is number 1, Lex number 2 and Michael Holt number 3. Batman, you only make number 4 ya grumpy old bastard. Anyway, now I come to rack the two teams up, Team A really does have a big advantage over Team B. So they get the prize!
If I had to swap any of the characters over it'd be Columbo for Hela. That way, Oracle can take her place as leader and Thor and Hela could be together as it plainly should be.
2. Gender-swap 2, 8 & 10. Which character would have the most change in their story arc? Which the least? Would any of these characters have to have a complete personality change to be believable as the opposite sex?
That's Reno, Oracle and Hela.
Even though Reno was assigned the position of "the chick" earlier I think his story arc would be massively changed. Hell, they'd have to change the words to the opening intro to "...but got the man she loved instead. Framed for murder now she prowls the badlands. An outlaw hunting outlaws. A bounty hunter. A Renegade."
Damn, that would be awesome. She could totally hook up with Bobby Sixkiller and Cheyenne would just be her best friend! Every week she'd be defending men and rescuing them! Imagine the sexual tension between her and Dutch Dixon! She could be called Rena Raines! I would so watch that programme.
Would there be a major story arc change had Barbara Gordon been Bob Gordon? Jesus! Well, if she had then maybe Alan Moore wouldn't have, well, you know what I'm talking about. If you don't, you should check out some of the things that Philppos42 (The Reed Richards of comic blogging. Before he went crazy and started cloning Gods, natch.) has to say about the subject. Personally I always thought that the end of the Killing Joke was all about the panel we don't see - the one where Batman breaks the Joker's neck - the laughing stops mid guffaw but the sirens are still wailing. That's a much too serious topic for tonight though and is far better discussed by all the various blogging geniuses (genii?) out there who are not me. Back to the poor grammar and half-arsed jokes...
As for Hela...I don't want to think about her gender swapping. If she did, it might not affect her story arc too much (after all she is only a minor charcter) but it would certainly affect mine. I'd have some serious questions to ask myself about my sexuality. Let's move on shall we?
I don't think any would need a complete personality change to be believable as the opposite sex really. Maybe Hela. It would probably affect her rare heart-to-hearts with Skurge the Executioner. Heh, being able to write sentences like that is why I like comics so much. Also Punisher: War Journal, but more on that later this week.
3. Compare the matchups of 1 & 8 and 5 & 9. (Ignore canon sexual preferences for the moment.) Which couple would be more compatible? Which couple would be more plausible to people from either principal's home culture?
Thor/Oracle
Hans Gruber/Columbo
Wow.
Those are two godawful couples. Although, if you think of it as Oracle and Jake Olsen it might work. He's whiny enough to fit as Oracle's type. The only stain on her character is her shocking taste in men. Jason Bard? Nightwing?! Flirting with Azrael?! And didn't she also have a crush on Killer Moth? Damn Barbara, you can do so much better. Tim Drake would be my immediate suggestion but there are two main problems with that, 1) Dan Didio would probably have you killed and 2) It's probably illegal. But enough of my unwritten fan-fiction, I think that Thor/Oracle works marginally better because, well, can you really see Master-Criminal Hans Gruber getting on with Super-Cop Columbo? It would be a neverending game of one-upmanship that would leave them bitter and twisted. There's so much passion but they're just poison to each other.
Anyway...
Which couple would be more plausible to people from either principal's home culture? Even though Odin might be a little miffed that his son is getting it on with a mortal he'd probably deal with it. As for Hans and Columbo? Well, their relationship would be fine in Germany but a gay couple in America? They'd probably get burned to death by a passing group of Christian fundamentalists. Or something.
4. Your team is 3, 4 & 9. The mission consists of a social challenge, a mental challenge and a physical challenge. Which team member do you assign to each challenge?
Mothra, Ed-209 and Columbo.
Pshaw! Give me a tough one, please.
Social - Mothra
Mental - Columbo
Physical - ED-209
Next!
5. 7 becomes 1's boss for a week in some plausible fashion. How's their working relationship?
Quistis "Can't deal with the responsibility of being a teacher let alone a war leader" Trepe commanding the Odinson? Somehow, I don't think so. Thor would probably be a nice guy though, help her out and obey her commands even if he thinks their bad because he respects the chain of command but Quistis was intimidated by that whiny Squall chap so I can't see her stepping up and bossing the Thunderer around, regardless of that whole whip and PVC dress thing.
Anyway, there's only one mortal who commands Thor, and he's not with us any more. *sniff* I miss you Steve...
6. 2 finds him/her/itself inserted into 6's continuity. As far as anyone other than 2 or 6 is concerned, they've always been there. What role would 2 be presumed to have had in 6's story, and could they fit in without going wonky?
Reno and Jessie. Reno Raines in the Pokemon continuity?
I'd buy that for a dollar!
It'd be hard at first to crowbar him in there, no doubt James would be immensely jealous and Reno doesn't do all that well will dominant women but he'd be an asset to Team Rocket. Instead of Giovanni relying on JJ&M to concoct an elaborate plan to capture Ash's pokemon he'd just put a bounty on Pikachu's head for $1,000 and leave it at that.
Think of the fun you could have with the Team Rocket motto!
Jessie: Prepare for trouble!
James: And make it double!
Reno: I was a Pokemon Trainer and good at my job...
Jessie: To protect the world from devastation!
James: To unite all peoples within our nation!
Reno: But I comitted the ultimate sin and testified against other Pokemon Trainers...
Jessie: To denounce the evils of truth and love!
James: To extend our reach to the stars above!
Reno: ...Pokemon Trainers gone bad, Trainers that tried to kill me but got the Squirtle I loved instead.
Jessie: Jessie!
James: James!
Reno: Reno! I mean Vince!
Jessie: Team Rocket, blast off at the speed of light!
James: Surrender now, or prepare to fight!
Meowth: Meowth! That's right!
Reno: Can we go prowl the badlands now?
7. 3 and 5 get three wishes. The catch is that they have to agree on all three wishes before they get the benefits of any of them. What three wishes would they make?
3 wishes for Mothra and Hans Gruber? Not two people that I'd usually imagine teaming up, but it'd mean that to beat them, John McClane would have to team up with Godzilla.
I'll let that one sink in for a moment.
Having just come up with the greatest idea in film history for y'all, anything I say after this cannot live up to that moment of glory but I'll give it a whirl anyway.
The first wish would be Mothra's - maybe this incarnation she gets to actually see her daughter instead of her hatching just as she dies. And I think Hans would be OK with that. Hans would probably wish for John McClane to have used 2 more bullets to kill Marco. After that, they've got a third wish to share. Hans has got his money, Mothra has her baby/larva so what more do they need? A wish for supporting characters to get the full recognition they deserve when all the attention is usually lavished on the star of the piece? Yeah, why not.
8. 1 and 2 are brainwashed by a one-time artifact that works even on people immune to mind control to attack and kill 4. They keep their normal personality, skills and competence level, except any Code vs. Killing has been turned off. Can 4 survive? How?
Thor and Reno Raines are brainwashed into killing ED-209?
The last time Thor was brainwashed it took the combined might of Adam Warlock and the Infinity Watch to bring him down, so much as I like ED-209 he hasn't got an altar boy in the Vatican's chance of getting out of there unmolested.
9. 6, 7, 9 & 10 must help an orphanage full of small and depressed children have a merry Christmas. Who does what, knowing that at the very least the kids will be expecting a visit from Santa?
Jessie, Quistis, Columbo and Hela.
Quistis would make a good Santa - she already wears red and she actually grew up in an orphanage so she's going to know exactly what the kids are going to want. Columbo would probably quite good at telling the poor little orphans entertaining stories and doing magic tricks (if I recall correctly he picked some up in an episode or two) and Jessie could let the orphans play with her pokemon. You'd have to make sure that Hela's job was something away from the kids though - if she ruffled little Mary's hair she might accidentally activate the Hand of Glory. Next thing you know, Niffelheim's population has increased by one, Naglfar's prow is bigger by 20 finger-and-toe-nails and you have a whole host of kiddiwinks freaking out over a rapidly decaying corpse. I don't know, she could probably make the decorations out of the souls of those vikings who died the straw death or something.
10. 3 and 8 are challenged to circumnavigate the Earth in eighty days or less, using only forms of transportation invented before 1900. Can they do it, or will they be fatally distracted by sidequests or their own personality conflicts?
That would be Mothra and Oracle.
Well, Mothra can fly around the world in about a day, so that's pretty easy. Sure, she might have to contend with Rodan and Jet Jaguar along the way but Mothra always takes Rodan and Oracle could probably rewire Jet Jaguar to help them out so I can't see any number of side quests holding them up. If Kataraina Armstrong started making trouble for Barbara, Mothra would just fry her with the Sun Strike Buster. Again, that's something I would quite like to see.
Hey! I managed to get through that last question without making a joke about wheelchair accessability in the 1900s! Go me!
Damn.
Anyway, that's the meme over with, but I believe that it is customary in these situations to "tag" people so I'm going to hit my homeboys in the BadPoo Massive and tag The Richard, MC Leigh and T-Dawg. No doubt what they write will be far funnier than this but I can't actually imagine them doing it. Nevertheless, the challenge is made.
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You all notice how I subtly slipped in some linkblogging in that post there? I AM THE ANTMASTER!
Tomorrow on This Sentence No Verb: Becaue one person demanded it, Thor: Property Developer!
